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I remember a conversation I read from C.S.I where Warrick Brown talked to a 'suspect.' Both have problems that they are trying to resolve and deal. Warrick is addicted to gambling, while the suspect was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. The 'suspect' asked Warrick how is he dealing with his gambling addiction. Warrick answered, "I beat it everyday." His answer is apt. It is an everyday battle. Every single day, we wake up trying to be happy, fighting chemical imbalance and be a better person. Everyday, we try to keep up appearances and go on with our lives. It is a tough road to hoe, and there are times when we relapse back into seclusion and loneliness. 

In my case, it is more of anger. Instead of being sad, I get angry - at myself, the people, the circumstances, and the world. Sometimes, I blame God. Blame Him for what happened to me. I questioned His wisdom and guidance. I was always asking "Why me?!?" Of all the people, why did he chose me to bear such unbearable cross. To say the least, I fall and let myself succumb by worldly temptations. I noticed that my behavior was slowly changing to "adapt" to my "environment." I became a mean person, which was a far cry from my old self. And that killed me. One way or another, I left that world. They chewed me out and I just let them do it. I felt tired, drained and exhausted.

For months, I was struggling. I was left with nothing - no job, no friends, and no future. Only my family and my partner were there to understand me. Despite their support, I find myself lacking. Still, I kept asking myself why and how did it happen. I replayed all the events in my head many times over. I wanted to know why. But those questions were left answered. I felt I was a failure and the dark cloud was looming above my head. It was then that I came to a decision to end everything. I knew then that it was not right, but during those times, it was just the possible solution. But maybe God intervened. I decided then to call my trusted friends and told them that I wanted to be admitted to a hospital because I'm feeling suicidal. Some of them were shocked but they gave me advises. I was very relieved that I called them. Maybe if not for them, I would have go through my plan and regret it later.

From there on, I try to make myself better. I finally got a job which I think suits me and I'm with people who understand me better. They didn't know it yet, but I think they are much more understanding than some people who I knew pretend to go through the deepest chasms of their subjects but mocked them on their backs. Where I'am now is less glamorous than where I was before, I feel rested and calm. It is not as financially rewarding as before, I feel more blessed since I can do more things for myself, spend time with my loved ones and have the time to learn more and explore the world.

I will not deny that there are still times when I feel down, inept and inadequate. But the feeling never linger for more than a day unlike before when I'm in the dark pit for more than a month. I can deal with it more positively.

So there, I know my freedom with this disorder is not absolute, but I know that I can fight it with a smile in my face somehow.

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